Researchers at the Josef Mengele Brain-U-Like Institute,
Armageddon Missouri, have announced today the shock discovery that the human
brain is too big and unwieldy to be entirely practical.
The shock announcement marks the culmination of a
thirty-year research project involving millions of citizens and other guinea
pigs in which volunteers were administered doses of psychotropic medications
over long periods in order to find out how small the brain could be shrunk
before subjects lost the ability to chew.
The study is known as a triple-blind study because the
procedure involves the volunteers not knowing they have been volunteered (for
the very sound scientific reason that if they knew what was going on they would
not have volunteered) and researchers not knowing what they are doing on
account of not having been told what they are supposed to discover.
Results from the experiment shocked the researchers who had
“never suspected in a million years” that interfering with the brain by
entering foreign substances into would have any detrimental effect whatsoever.
While they noted that the administration of psychotropics was “quite effective”
in producing the expected “dumbing down” of cognitive ability, irony, sarcasm,
inquisitiveness, speech, dislike of psychiatrists and other mental illnesses,
as well as the notorious Childishness Disorder suffered by many children and
B-List celebrities, the tendency of such medications to shrink the brain in 11
out of 10 people was completely unexpected even though everybody outside of
psychiatry, the FDA and the White House had known about it since 1842.
The brain-shrinking properties of psychiatric drugs, often
regarded in the psychiatric field as a positive indication of a drug, was
finally proven in 1974 but psychiatrists and drug manufacturers decided not to
mention it to anybody for fear of worrying people and bringing on the symptoms
of FBDD (Fear of Brain Damage Disorder) or its more serious cousin FODD (Fear
of Death Disorder).
In the ensuing years, research continued apace with the
study of hundreds of millions of brains donated by voters, using invisible
nano-bots equipped with the latest thermal imaging cameras that were inserted
discreetly into the bloodstream during routine operations such as
appendectomies and lobotomies. It was this research that finally established
that the brain could be shrunk to the size of a walnut before the subject lost
the control of his (or her – for these were equal opportunity experiments)
bowels. Further shrinkage – up to ten percent – could be comfortably managed
before the subject lost his (or her) contact with reality or the ability to
swallow. Yet even with the brain reduced to the size of a plum stone it was
noticed that none of the subjects lost any really important faculties such as
the ability to reach into their wallets, watch TV or believe everything they
are told by the press.
Psychiatrists admit that at first they were concerned that
people might be a bit unhappy about a ninety percent loss of brain tissue but
were heartened by several indications there might be a silver lining to their
cloud, namely:
- The media didn’t think it was newsworthy so there was little danger of anyone finding out.
- Brain shrinkage rendered most subjects very amenable to the idea of not kicking up a fuss.
Imagine their relief then at the incredible discovery that
the brain had evolved over millions of years into being much too big in any
case and shrinking it is actually quite beneficial in that it tends to correct
a serious design flaw.
Even more research involving the dedicated doctoring of
millions of pages of scientific data and combing through back issues of Hello
Magazine finally revealed what had been staring scientists in the face for
years:
- that people really don’t need most of their brains and the majority never use more than ten percent of it anyway
- the ideal size for the brain has now been scientifically proven to be , by a remarkable coincidence, roughly the size of a plum stone.
Psychiatrists are now confident that smaller brains will
help people by:
- Alleviating neck problems caused by the head being too heavy.
- Helping people to lose a few pounds without the hassle of dieting
- Providing handy extra storage space in the cranium for sandwiches, gloves, car keys and so forth.
But while the full implications are further studied some
detractors argue that the brain shrinkage phenomenon may necessitate a
precautionary halt to injecting foetuses with antidepressants to treat prenatal
depression.
However, others fear that such over-caution may result in a
needless loss of billions of dollars of revenues for the manufacturers.
Related articles:
Four out of Five
Foetuses Suffer from Claustrophobia, Umbilical Dependency Disorder and Prenatal
Depression, January 2014 study reveals.
Miracle Drug Cures
Claustrophobia, Umbilical Dependency Disorder and Prenatal Depression says
February 2014 report.
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