Nausea and Vomiting Pandemic Sweeps the West

Hypocrisy outbreak fells millions in America, Britain and Europe

Scientists are reporting that the source of the new outbreak that suddenly hit America and Europe yesterday may lie in Washington and London, having been carried there by politicians returning from meetings with their employer, “Emperor” J. Centre Rockabilly III at a location that must remain secret for top level security reasons of not wanting anyone to knew where it is.

Symptoms of the epidemic, which went viral on the internet yesterday, include nausea and vomiting and a sense of alienation. Although not reported to be fatal in the strict sense of, say, living near a fracking station, being inoculated or attending a wedding party in the Middle East, the illness has nevertheless swept through the entire population almost overnight, with people who read newspapers or watch TV news bulletins particularly at risk.

The culprit is believed to be the hypocrisy virus transmitted by British and American politicians. The virus is known to breed in unhygienic conditions like high-crimes areas such as Capitol Hill, Whitehall and political conferences behind closed doors at which national leaders receive instructions from Bankers, Industrialists, Global financiers and other representatives of the people who run banks, corporations and crime syndicates.
Transmission of the virus is triggered by politicians such as Obama and Cameron sternly warning Russia not to meddle in the internal affairs of other countries, which as everybody knows Britain and America have only every done in rare isolated cases such as Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Libya, Iraq, Kosovo, Bosnia, Syria, Cuba, Nicaragua, Phillipines, Albania, Iran, Guatemala, Chile, Venezuela and just a few dozen others – not to mention the present-day Ukraine. It is noticed that such utterances, particularly when delivered with a straight face and high moral tone, can bring about almost instant nausea in anyone within earshot or able to read subtitles.

The European Commission’s website is thought to be another source of contagion of the Hypocrisy Virus, with not even the internet safe from the pandemic. One victim was rushed to hospital upon throwing up at Euston Station after browsing the internet on his i-pad. He told this reporter:

“It was like a nightmare. I just read that the EU wishes to see the Ukraine ruled by ‘genuine democracy, free from corruption and with sound public finances’. Perhaps I was just asking for trouble but I couldn’t help thinking about how the EU is really an unelected form of government that has itself become a byword for corruption, hasn’t had its accounts signed off for 20 years because of their countless irregularities, and has been responsible for indulging in the most obviously unsound currency experiment the world has ever seen. Then it was just a short step to thinking about Guantanamo, the bombing of Libya or the drone strikes against Pakistan and wondering if maybe these also counts as meddling in the internal affairs of other countries. I suppose that just sort of broke down my immune system and overcame the usual defences such as not thinking too much or having any knowledge of recent history. So then I was overcome with a wave of nausea and lost my breakfast right there and then.”

He also reported seeing a lot of other travellers throwing up as well, although this being Britain a lot of people tried to pretend it wasn’t happening or swallowed their own bile rather than make a scene.
Reaction in America, where people are a lot more forthright - and indeed a lot more miffed with their government - was somewhat different according to reports, and much of the vomiting was accompanied by emotional crises, gnashing of teeth and the customary mass shootings.

Another British victim with an almost identical experience said: “I just read how Mr Cameron said everyone ‘must work to lower, not escalate, tensions. The world is watching.’  I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense that my country is run by self-righteous, hypocritical scumbags, then felt sorry for the Americans because they’ve got it just as bad if not worse. This was followed by a deep sense of shame and then of course the inevitable rainbow yawn.”

Carriers are thought to be numerous among officials of the foreign Office and American State Department. They infect millions of victims but do not manifest the nausea and vomiting aspects of the disease themselves. However, they can be recognised by another set of telltale symptoms such as a tendency to speak from the rectum, a forking of the tongue, absence of a chin or backbone, swelling of the head and bank account and a complete loss of any sense of personal embarrassment.

The Brain Should be a Lot Smaller say Psychiatrists

Researchers at the Josef Mengele Brain-U-Like Institute, Armageddon Missouri, have announced today the shock discovery that the human brain is too big and unwieldy to be entirely practical.

The shock announcement marks the culmination of a thirty-year research project involving millions of citizens and other guinea pigs in which volunteers were administered doses of psychotropic medications over long periods in order to find out how small the brain could be shrunk before subjects lost the ability to chew.

The study is known as a triple-blind study because the procedure involves the volunteers not knowing they have been volunteered (for the very sound scientific reason that if they knew what was going on they would not have volunteered) and researchers not knowing what they are doing on account of not having been told what they are supposed to discover.

Results from the experiment shocked the researchers who had “never suspected in a million years” that interfering with the brain by entering foreign substances into would have any detrimental effect whatsoever. 

While they noted that the administration of psychotropics was “quite effective” in producing the expected “dumbing down” of cognitive ability, irony, sarcasm, inquisitiveness, speech, dislike of psychiatrists and other mental illnesses, as well as the notorious Childishness Disorder suffered by many children and B-List celebrities, the tendency of such medications to shrink the brain in 11 out of 10 people was completely unexpected even though everybody outside of psychiatry, the FDA and the White House had known about it since 1842.

The brain-shrinking properties of psychiatric drugs, often regarded in the psychiatric field as a positive indication of a drug, was finally proven in 1974 but psychiatrists and drug manufacturers decided not to mention it to anybody for fear of worrying people and bringing on the symptoms of FBDD (Fear of Brain Damage Disorder) or its more serious cousin FODD (Fear of Death Disorder).

In the ensuing years, research continued apace with the study of hundreds of millions of brains donated by voters, using invisible nano-bots equipped with the latest thermal imaging cameras that were inserted discreetly into the bloodstream during routine operations such as appendectomies and lobotomies. It was this research that finally established that the brain could be shrunk to the size of a walnut before the subject lost the control of his (or her – for these were equal opportunity experiments) bowels. Further shrinkage – up to ten percent – could be comfortably managed before the subject lost his (or her) contact with reality or the ability to swallow. Yet even with the brain reduced to the size of a plum stone it was noticed that none of the subjects lost any really important faculties such as the ability to reach into their wallets, watch TV or believe everything they are told by the press.

Psychiatrists admit that at first they were concerned that people might be a bit unhappy about a ninety percent loss of brain tissue but were heartened by several indications there might be a silver lining to their cloud, namely:
  • The media didn’t think it was newsworthy so there was little danger of anyone finding out. 
  • Brain shrinkage rendered most subjects very amenable to the idea of not kicking up a fuss.

Imagine their relief then at the incredible discovery that the brain had evolved over millions of years into being much too big in any case and shrinking it is actually quite beneficial in that it tends to correct a serious design flaw.

Even more research involving the dedicated doctoring of millions of pages of scientific data and combing through back issues of Hello Magazine finally revealed what had been staring scientists in the face for years:

  •  that people really don’t need most of their brains and the majority never use more than ten percent of it anyway
  • the ideal size for the brain has now been scientifically proven to be , by a remarkable coincidence, roughly the size of a plum stone.

Psychiatrists are now confident that smaller brains will help people by:
  • Alleviating neck problems caused by the head being too heavy.
  • Helping people to lose a few pounds without the hassle of dieting
  • Providing handy extra storage space in the cranium for sandwiches, gloves, car keys and so forth.

But while the full implications are further studied some detractors argue that the brain shrinkage phenomenon may necessitate a precautionary halt to injecting foetuses with antidepressants to treat prenatal depression. 

However, others fear that such over-caution may result in a needless loss of billions of dollars of revenues for the manufacturers.

Related articles:
Four out of Five Foetuses Suffer from Claustrophobia, Umbilical Dependency Disorder and Prenatal Depression, January 2014 study reveals.
Miracle Drug Cures Claustrophobia, Umbilical Dependency Disorder and Prenatal Depression says February 2014 report.

Rich Nerd with Glasses Saves World

bill gates malaria vaccinesWe can all relax secure in the knowledge that a well-known philanthropist has come up with a solution to the environmental disaster that looms on account of people breathing.

Gill Bates, founder and chairman of the Microvirus Corporation, is famous the world over for being quite ruthless, brainy and donating lots of money to worthy causes such as “Save the Aged Elitist” and “Eugenics ‘R Us”. Because of this he is also known to be an authority on everything else. He has discovered that the blame for too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere lies not, as previously thought, with the use by industry of outmoded fossil fuels that emit CO2 by the bucket load but with too many people wilfully and irresponsibly being alive and then breathing out.

It is now known, for instance, that a single human breathes out as much CO2 in a single lifetime as an automobile emits every three seconds.

This shocking discovery of course gets industrialists, car manufacturers and people dedicated to turning the Rain Forests into a car park for tanks and missile platforms right off the hook.

One industrialist said: “This is welcome news, a cause for celebration among all of those who have had their basic human right to avoid responsibility for laying waste to the planet unjustly jeopardised. We have claimed all along that the real fault for any problems the planet may be having lies squarely at the door of the billions of people who don’t have a clue as to what is going on.”

Father-of-three Bates, is co-founder along with his wife of the Gill and Vampira Bates Foundation.This philanthropic tax loophole throws money at schemes dedicated to avoiding great evils such as people who cause environmental disasters being blamed for them, sensible solutions that undermine profits or solving humanitarian problems without killing anybody. He is famous for his speech to the AFTG (American Federation for the Terminally Gullible) in which he claimed to have discovered that it is in fact “impossible to solve any problem without killing millions of people who year after year make the mistake of being born in the first place.”

This discovery was enthusiastically embraced by tens of thousands of Americans. Bates’ supporters are known to fall into four categories: (a) rich bankers and industrialists (b) those who are quite enthusiastic about being culled (c) a much larger group who are enthusiastic about other people being culled and (d) homicidal maniacs.

Despite this broad cross-section of support, all factions are united both in their possession of “scant brain cells to rub between them” and their undying admiration for Bates’ ability to speak and act like a lunatic without being locked up.

Many claim that applying the term “culling” to reducing human numbers is a misnomer because being born is seen to be the main problem. In fact being born is actually illegal under Presidential Edict number 677i5437-98769875x and there are moves to reintroduce the death penalty for anyone irresponsible enough to be born without the permission of the Bates-financed HKFSPBB (Henry Kissinger Foundation for Stopping People Being Born).

Experts at the Bates-sponsored Pol Pot School of Economics have welcomed the recent re-discovery of this legal principle. It fell off the radar around the time of the fall of Nazi Germany, although efforts were made to reintroduce it by the Milosevic regime in Serbia until Milosevic unluckily got convicted of war crimes by a tribunal unfairly rigged in favour of people who don’t like genocide.

Bates came to fame in a classic riches-to-even-more-riches fairy tale. He cleverly built up the Microvirus Corporation backed only by being quite good with computers and questionable business ethics despite humble beginnings as a member of the American aristocracy. He epitomises all that is good and wholesome in the spectacle of a man with a high IQ and elaborate education tossing away all the advantages attendant thereon and deciding to embrace the social and economic philosophy of the brain dead.

Nevertheless, many people point out that being good at writing computer programmes naturally makes some people (especially Bates) good at everything and wise in all subjects. In any case, when you think about it computer programming is a subject virtually identical to all branches of the humanities on account of people and binary digits being more or less the same thing.

So there you have it, it is pretty much a fact irrevocably proven beyond doubt by Bates scribbling equations on a white board at a seminar hosted by the AFTG. These equations, by virtue of looking quite brainy, show that global warming is poised to turn the Earth’s atmosphere into something resembling the surface of Venus (only hotter) and that the blame for it rests squarely on the shoulders of people who insist on breathing and has "only the slenderest anecdotal connection" with industrialists raping the planet. The latter is now known to be much less harmful than global infestations of humans and other parasites.

Bates’ solution is to inject everybody with life-saving vaccines containing beneficial additives such as Mercury, Strontium 90 and distilled bile of gerbil. He points to the irrefutable logic that if you vaccinate lots of people against disease and thus benignly save their lives, this will automatically reduce the world’s population.

This avowed goal to reduce population numbers by giving people medicine looks set to elevate Bates to sainthood according to the VCWSBS (Vatican Committee for Deciding Who Should be Sanctified – a think tank sponsored by the Gill and Vampira Bates Foundation). Yet detractors who completely fail to enter into the spirit of things - such as small minorities like the five thousand million people who don’t want to die - point to evidence that population reduction may not so much result from the vaccines proofing people against diseases that reduce population numbers but from the fact that the vaccines accidentally and unavoidably contain chemicals that make people ill and/or die and/or become sterile.

Bates ridicules this belief, labelling it akin to Dark Age superstition such as the heresy that the Earth goes round the Sun that all but wrecked the early efforts of the world’s very best people to tell everyone else what to think. “Science has its uses.” he says, “such as making bogus unproven theories sound scientific and thus shutting everybody up but it becomes counter-productive when things like evidence are allowed to get in the way of the progress I’ve already decided is good for everybody else.”

Still others, such as sensible people and those mindlessly devoted to solutions that don’t involve genocide, mischievously seek to undermine Bates’ position that global warming is caused by people breathing out CO2 gas. They point out that (a) CO2 emissions do not account for global warming and (b) there is no such thing as global warming.

In answer to (a) Bates retorts that “Oh yes it does and saying it doesn't is illegal.” In a statement issued last Wednesday he gave (b) equally short shrift as well. Speaking from the poolside of his luxury fallout shelter he answered accusations that global warming is a myth designed to perpetuate and justify a money spinning con game on a par with the invention of Satan so as to frighten people into emptying their purses into Medieval church coffers.The response stated unequivocally and even nonsensically that: " . . . global warming is every bit as real as Satan, whom I have met personally and is currently hiding out for security reasons inside the President."

He then cited as proof three dead polar bears founding inside the Arctic Circle and the tendency of penguins to fall over, before referring journalists to expert sources. Among those expert sources he recommended:

  • several thousand scientic papers that nobody can understand and which might just as easily be algorithms for Welsh Rarebit.
  • You Tube videos of his various speeches before hysterical audiences of people who quite like the idea of mass suicide. 
  • books by Al Gore (83).
  • the utterances of the crazed prophet Henry Kissinger (104).
Kissinger – know the world over as the Father of the Smug Bomb and recent winnner of the Nobel Peace Prize for Global Anarchy - particularly favours the reduction of the population of every nation except Israel. He puts the ideal population of Earth at 350 million, claiming that this population level, achieved during the reign of the pharaohs, is conclusively and scientifically proven to be the only sustainable population level possible and not a random figure off the top of his head as many suspect.

In fact, researchers have proved that Kissinger may have a point.The suggested ideal population size would enable the planet’s elite to live out their days in comfort, each one resident in a luxurious fortified penthouse served by a small yet sustainable force of 100 slaves. For that reason it has been adjudged a Good Thing and worth millions of people dying for by such experts as Gill Bates and Henry Kissingeras well as being proven by generously endowed scientific foundations such as the SSP (Society for Scientific Prostitution) which work tirelessly to prove “beyond reasonable evidence” that Eugenics is not completely demented.

Still others claim that if people breathing out C02 really is a problem then it might be better to stop wiping out rain forests that breathe it in again or maybe even plant more trees, grow vast fields of hemp and so forth.

In the meantime, others suggest that because a single automobile emits in one day the same amount of C02 as the breathing of 10 000 people, we could maybe - and this is just an optimistic shot in the dark - use alternative fuels to gasoline. Others recommend that it would also be a good idea to manage the affairs of the planet properly as it has been quite a while since sensible management of human affairs has been seen – “quite a while” is generally regarded as meaning “since the beginning of time.”

To this Bates retorts that there is no room in the debate for that kind of extremism and that such measures would interfere with the rights of industrialists to get even richer because there is a “serious economic problem” standing in the way of the human race acting sensibly. The main underlying reason for that insurmountable problem is that a lot of rich people don’t want to surmount it.

Bates has proposed other measures as a stop-gap until beneficial mass extermination gets under way. He recommends a tax on breathing, with everyone fitted with a meter that monitors their CO2 emissions and deducts charges accordingly direct from their bank accounts. The meters can be disguised as interesting hats or miniaturised using the latest nano technology and lodged under their skin alongside the traditional tracking chip that sounds an alarm at the NSA whenever a sperm enters a fallopian tube. Thus people will be taxed according to how much breathing they do, with the really heavy breathers such as joggers, phone perverts and people trying to procreate paying the heavists tolls.

Bates points at that this will enable all citizens to save money and the planet by holding their breath for long periods.

Steve Cook's Facebook page is at although you advised not to visit it as it is very evil

I think I’ve Got that New Disease I’ve Seen Advertised

I feel duty bound to give you all the heads-up that, in the best traditions of safeguarding the freedom of vested interests to redistribute the wealth of the nation in the direction of their bank accounts, the government is about to issue a new Presidential Edict (number 104562137894320075) entitled: Even More Depressing Pandemic Alert: You are all Going to (probably) Die!!!

Subtitled Swine Flu? Hah! Here's something REALLY Scary! the edict will come complete with democratic measures to quarantine the Constitution and inject the citizenry with Aluminium, Mercury, Antifreeze and other beneficial additives described by the AMA (Aluminium, Mercury and Antifreeze Manufacturers Association) as “completely safe for human consumption, so long as you don’t eat, drink, inject or stand near them.”

The government’s new public health alert is confidently expected to ward off panic and restore calm throughout the length and breadth of ailing pharmaceutical corporations. This follows in the wake of last year’s serious outbreak of not making enough profit in which hitherto undiscovered residues of money were found contaminating the wallets of millions of citizens.

Drafted by a joint Task Force of the Department of Foreboding and the makers of reputable Zombie Apocalypse movies, the edict is confidently expected to help ease “the inordinate chirpiness that afflicts millions of citizens”, explained Joe Satan the Secretary of Doom (97). "After all, this is a Democracy and nobody has a right to feel exempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen."

Mr Satan went on to say that the government takes the new threat of life inherent in every man, woman and child (and pet) on the planet so seriously, they are no longer calling it a Pandemic but, at the suggestion of Press Supremo, Craig Bipolar (84), they have renamed the new outbreak a Carnagedemic.

[Editor's note: insert here photo of Labrador with bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption: "Carnagedemic. All pets could die."]

Mr Bipolar explained further: "An epidemic no longer has the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, which had the virtue of sounding more threatening than an epidemic by having "pan" attached to them instead of "epi", which sounds a bit girly.”

According to government statistics, a threat qualifies as a pandemic if it kills, or makes poorly, as many as five people (or pets). The aforementioned task force was charged with the responsibility for coming up with a ground-breaking solution to the nickname problem and leaving no scientific procedure overturned in the hunt for a remedy, an epithet able to quel public consciousness by aptly labelling a threat that will kill, or might kill, more than five people (or pets).

The name needed to look good in headlines so as to quickly help pharmaceutical companies and newspaper publishers crowbar a few extra dollars for the wallets of a beleaguered population. It is hoped it will provide an antidote to the crippling malady suffered by millions of people (or pets), whose symptoms include unwillingness to hand over their money out of a sense of alarm (or terror).

Mr Satan added: “Recently we have suffered from an epidemic of pandemics and the public is starting to get bored with the whole thing. This has led to an epidemic of the public not being unduly alarmed, which caused to flare up a pandemic of slumping newspaper sales.

“But we can now confidently, even disingenuously, say that the matter is under control and look forward to a week of headlines that will really shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine."

[Editor's note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearing face mask. Caption: "Be afraid!"]

But what of the Carnagedemic? Health reports indicate it may already have claimed thousands of lives and is set to claim many thousand more, although scientists reluctantly point out that it depends on whether you define "claimed" as "killed" or "could have killed".

One scientist, who did not want to be named, or indeed identified at all, for legal reasons, disclosed that the Carnagedemic is, or might be, invariably fatal for anyone who dies from it and there is lots of hard rumour that it is, or might be, the cause of insanity or depression in those who contract it and that nobody is immune, or at least those who contract it aren't.

[Ed's note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyes visible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption: "Abandon hope! Start looting!"]

The method of transmission of the disease, dubbed "Mad Hack's Virus," is uncertain, although all the lack of evidence points inconclusively to a virus. If it turns out not to be a virus, the disease will require the re-writing of millions press releases and propel laboratories into a frantic search for a new generation of super-fabrications to combat it.

It is believed that MHV or "Newspaper Flu" as it is also known, is somehow transmitted by contact with tabloid newspapers or long-term exposure to television news broadcasts. Certainly there is as yet no recorded case of any citizen (or pet) contracting the disease who has not been so exposed.

A source close to the White House (the bloke leaning on the railings) told this reporter: "What the government isn't telling us is that virtually no-one is safe if MHV if transmitted through contact with the contamination leaking from newspapers because according to the Office of Made Up Statistics more than 114% of people read newspapers, although admittedly only 2% of these remember what they have read."

MHV has all the hallmarks of a classic attention-grabbing, panic-inducing and hence money-spinning disease, namely:

· it is invisible

· it is "everywhere"

· its symptoms can easily be confused with innocuous ailments such as the common cold or caffeine withdrawal

· it has the word "virus" or "flu" in it.

Do you have Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Foreboding. In all likelihood, it is already too late. Certainly said Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Jim Satan (14 – no relation) first alerted everyone to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemic menace in our midst shortly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented an antidote for it.

"MHV is certainly proving to be a popular ailment," said Mr Satan. When it was pointed out that there was no evidence that MHV had actually killed anyone, Mr Satan said, "Well, that just goes to show how effective our antidote, Docile 24/7, is."

What are the symptoms of the new disease? Opinions vary but here is a list of what they could be and certainly if you have any of these, you are advised to panic or get yourself injected with life-threatening chemicals immediately:

· Disorientation

· Depression

· Anxiety

· Loss of ability to think (or spell).

· Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)

· Tendency to blame immigrants/Muslims/hoodies/guns/free speech for everything

· Hysteria

· Becoming sick with worry

· Tendency to feel like you are living in a lunatic asylum (except those actually living in a lunatic asylum)

One victim, who is, miraculously, not dead told this reporter:

"I became sick shortly after reading the Washington Fibber over me breakfast cornflakes, I think it was last Tuesday's headline: Millions of air breathers die every year, that set me off. The first thing I noticed is I got the shakes and became very nervous. Then I kind of completely lost the will to live. I felt like I was doomed to die a horrible death no matter what I did. Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleeting discomfort in me body. By the time I'd finished me boiled egg and soldiers I was convinced I had at least twelve different viruses, all of which are named after animals. Then I called me doctor and he gave me a prescription for something that

enabled me to hear colours and I've been on Venus where it's safe from the alien head termites ever since."

Latest figures suggest that MHV may have infected as many a hundred thousand billion people in the US alone. In response, the government was swift to act in the best tradition of bolting stable doors after the horse has not only bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written its memoirs, died and been forgotten. It spent a hundred trillion dollars that might otherwise been frittered away on luxuries such as education on the purchase of fifty billion face masks made from recycled Plutonium (recently dubbed the most-not-at-all-dangerous-element-in-the-universe after scientists made the surprise discovery that radiation is good for you after all).

When it was put to the Health Secretary that the masks are in fact completely useless and no defence at all against Newspaper Flu, Mr Satan explained, "That has never stopped the government buying face masks before. The purchase of face masks has long been standard practice, favoured since time immemorial by ministers bullied by the press into responding to an emergency they know little or nothing about. It reassures the public that the government is acting decisively in the best traditions of headless chickens."

[Ed's note: include picture here of a chicken dressed in deep sea diver's suit. Caption: "Flee for your lives!"]

Unfortunately, just when those public still retaining their grip on a shred of optimism naively thought things could not get any worse, they have. Scientists report that MHV may have mutated and "jumped media." A new and even more unstoppable strain of the virus has been detected.

The new outbreak, dubbed an Armaggedonedemic, is known as Word Of Mouth Disease.

Government Disorder

Shock news from the manufacturing sector!
by Steve Cook

Psychiatry Inc, the well-known manufacturers of ADHD, Depression, Addiction and similar aids to the pharmaceutical industry and other ailing multinational corporations, have today announced there has been a serious omission from their diagnostic manual the DSM (Disingenuous Sadistic Muppets). The only nuance of human behaviour to have been left out of the twelve million page so-called “Book of Fibbs” (except warmongering or torture which have been scientifically proven to be a Good Thing and not mad at all) is what is known as Government Disorder.

Here then is an addendum to the DSM which should be printed off and inserted into the manual right away before you put it to its best possible use for (a) establishing all your friends and family are unhinged and must immediately be drugged or as (preferably) (b) toilet paper.

Government Disorder. A malfunction of the common-sense centres of the brain, characterised by various symptoms.
  • Disorder
  • Fantasies – a conviction that hindering people is helping them or that making things worse is improving them
  • Narcissism: a belief one knows best about such things as (a) economics, (b) education (c) everything else, despite all evidence to the contrary and/or knowing nothing
  • Impaired Perception: inability to see the blindingly obvious (see Narcissism and Fantasies above). Tendency to bump into things such as the Middle East, China, Reality etc
  • Hallucinations (seeing things that don’t exist such as: Al Qaeda, Democracy, National Security)
  • Opposition-Defiance syndrome: especially directed at perceived enemies such as voters, sensible people etc.
  • Hoarding (compulsively collecting things whilst trying not to let anyone else have them, such as nuclear warheads, chemical weapons, missiles, money etc)
  • Fibbs Syndrome (compulsive lying)
  • Aggression and violent rampages – sufferer often displays uncontrollable urges to kill lots of people using any implement left lying around such as aircraft carriers, GMOs, psychiatrists, vaccines etc.
  • Suicidal Ideation – characterised by an urge to annoy lots of people until they lose patience and string the sufferer up from lamp posts
  • Loss of motor control characterised by a rapid decline of motor centres such as Detroit, Dagenham, the Western Hemisphere.
  • Compulsive Secretiveness – characterised by a tendency to hide ordinary things from people, such as justice, sensible explanations, human rights etc.
  • Plebophobia – aversion to or fear of ordinary people and other threatening minorities.
  • Problems with Concentration – inability to complete anything (except minor tasks such as blowing people up, wiping out all life on the planet etc)
  • Imaginary Friends – sufferer often compelled to do strange and nonsensical things after listening to the voices of imaginary friends such as vested interests, psychiatrists, economists etc
  • Word-blindness - sufferer often uses words in the wrong or opposite sense, usually to confuse others. Examples include: Collateral Damage (mass murder); Democracy (fascism); terrorist (freedom fighter); Freedom Fighter (terrorist); Manifesto (fairy tales); Promises (lies); Statistics (made up numbers); Facts (fiction); Proof (allegation); Evidence (opinion); Money (debt); Security (insecurity); Truth (see above)
  • Etc

“I’ve Decided to Drug my Kids” says Local Dad

Local campaigner, Dave Halfwit, today announced to a hushed and largely indifferent world that, having weighed up the pros and cons in the child-drugging debate, he has decided to throw parenting to the winds and adopt the pharmaceutical model of childrearing advocated by such visionaries as Dr Timothy Leary, Mr E. Lie-Lilly and Dr. Leon Eisenberg the famed inventor of ADHD the celebrated work of fiction.

He announced his bold decision at a press conference to mark the launch of his new charity Pi (Parental Irresponsibility). Pi will campaign for the right of parents everywhere to be freed from the stigma of having to have something to do with how their kids turn out.

The ethos of Pi is based on modern scientific discoveries that nobody has read, which clearly show the human brain is responsible for everything. Sadly, the psychiatrists of the Brain-U-Like Institute who published the aforementioned discoveries also discovered that the brain has evolved over millions of years into being not very good (unless optimistically bludgeoned with chemicals or electricity).  As nobody gets to choose which brain they have, it’s therefore nobody’s fault when small mishaps occur such as World War Three, presidential elections, homicidal rampages, modern journalism or the Conservative Party.

Mr Halfwit told journalists that he has high hopes that Pi will be able to make a significant contribution to bringing social decay into the twenty-first century. It will do so primarily by forwarding the revolutionary concept that society is responsible for all the actions of its individual members. This is to replace the outmoded superstition that it is all God’s fault and places blame where is really belongs: upon nobody in particular. This gets society’s millions of individual members right off the hook.

The strength of any society says Pi’s manifesto, “Nothing To Do With Me (or Anybody),” lies not in its individual members but in the ability of a handful of its very best people - such as governments, newspaper editors, PR gurus, arms manufacturers and other wise men of benign disposition - to do their thinking for them, in essence to formulate policies and reforms that everybody else would have come up with had they had proper brains.

When questioned specifically about his decision to drug his children, Mr Halfwit declared:

“This was not an easy decision to make but after five and a half minutes of agonised soul-searching I came to the firm conclusion that there is little to be gained from thinking too much. I’ve decided to believe everything I’m told by those who sell drugs and other people with no agendum whatsoever beyond their determination to make lots of money at any price, which as you know is the inalienable right of large corporations everywhere.”

When asked for his views on the mountain of evidence that drugging children stunts their development and produces debilitated and drug-addicted adults, he retorted scathingly, “The problem with evidence is that you can use it to prove anything, especially the truth and the truth is not always as convenient as many people like me would like it to be.”

In the end, he concluded, it is the duty of every citizen to examine both sides of any argument and to opt for the argument that involves you in the least hassle.

“After all,” he said, “we live in a modern and enlightened age in which so many things are automated, giving us more time to do all those things that earlier, less fortunate, societies could only dream about, such as watching cultural classics like Spot the Celebrity Brain or drinking lager (preferably both) or having nervous breakdowns. So it’s only fair and natural that the raising of children should be automated too. The old, traditional methods of parking children in front of the TV had only a limited workability but the pharmaceutical industry has, in modern drugs, found an answer to that age-old problem.”

Mr Halfwit’s local MP, John Payola-Graft applauded his constituent’s expedient decision. “It has been scientifically proved,” he said, “that the secret of a happy government-citizen partnership is to establish the citizen as, preferably quite literally, the sleeping partner and leave government to do everything in the best interests of society as a whole. Of course, multinational corporations like the Psychokiller Drug Emporium are the neediest sectors of that society. I therefore applaud Mr Halfwit’s decision to uphold the inalienable right of all parents not to have their freedom undermined by the incessant self-interest of children and other groups of parasites.”

But when I put to Mr Payola-Graft that many groups such as nutritionists, sensible people and other vociferous minorities are claiming the way to have happy, healthy children is to not feed them junk and to talk to them and generally look after them, he retorted: “It is just typical of people with a vested interest in the health of others to bring common sense and facts into the argument but we do not think there is room in the debate for such extremism. I should also point out that, through tax breaks and imaginative accounting, pharmaceutical companies provide hundreds of pounds a year in revenue for the government. Without that revenue it will be very difficult to fund the next war without the burden falling on the average voter. It is vital therefore that by the time voters reach, er, voting age, they are in a foggy state of mind that will enable them to believe everything we tell them.”

When I pointed out that many people are claiming that drugging children simply makes them lose their grip on reality and become dull and compliant, Mr Halfwit said. “Yes, admittedly, those are just some of the benefits that influenced my decision. They are benefits that vastly outweigh a few side effects such as the twenty thousand or so printed in tiny unreadable lettering on the packaging, many of which can be remedied with modern drugs or surgery in any case.”

Some studies back up this claim in so far as they have proven scientifically that reality is not all it is cracked up to be and should be avoided whenever possible. The reality that many children have to contend with is particularly hostile in that in this modern age it contains many harmful elements such as food without nutritional content and parents who want to drug them.

And Mr Payola-Graft added: “It has been scientifically proven that many children were hitherto inclined to grow up to be too smart for their own good but thanks to the efforts of the psycho-pharmacy we are now able to act in their long-terms interests by ensuring that never happens.”

I contacted the Psychokiller Drug Emporium, the manufacturers of the antidepressant Passivit-E and the celebrated panacea for ADHD and other made-up diseases, Apath-E, for their views on the matter. I put to their spokesmuppet the controversial allegations that drugging children is unsafe and can lead to brain damage, suicide and death and is in fact playing Russian Roulette with children’s lives. In response they issued a statement that included:

“Our researchers are working flat out and leaving no search results un-doctored in the search for improving the drugs we offer for children. An example is our new LSD-and-Heroin-based antidepressants, our so-called D-Range products for the under-fives, such as Hallucen-8, which are shaped to look like Postman Pat and taste like sweets.  Such drugs have been proven safe in at least 0.001% of cases so we do not think that parents contemplating drugging their children have more to worry about than their child, for instance, playing with traffic or the land mines that careless people leave lying about.  Besides, what is often forgotten with Russian Roulette is that is that when you play you have only a one-in-six chance of coming to any harm, at least to begin with. These are good odds by any standard as any parent who has taught his or her children the intricacies of the game in the safety of their own home will tell you.”

Related News:  Local Man Reaffirms his Commitment to Eating Rubbish.  “It’s a clear choice between short-term gratification and long-term survival and I know which side I’m on!” says Arthur Brain-Cell, chairman of O’Bese and Stupid, the . . . . see page 12

Epidemic of Mentally Ill Toys Shock

by Steve Cook

Some time ago a British Newspaper (I think it was the Sun, so it must be true!), reported that a German toy manufacturer was planning to make and sell soft toys that suffer from so-called mental disorders. To add authenticity, each toy will come with its own medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan. (I kid you not).

Presumably this is so that children can learn all about the mythology of mental illness and the role that making things up plays in helping grown-ups cope with the task of extracting money from other grown-ups – although how a five year old is supposed to get his innocent head around concepts like “treatment plan”, “medical history” or “referral letter” is unclear.

Another company, however, proposes expanding on the idea, as evinced by the following letter, which accidentally fell into my pocket at three o’clock one Sunday morning when I accidentally broke into the head office of Psychokiller Toys Inc., in Loon, Wyoming.
To: Devius Moneygrubber, CEO Psychokiller Toys Inc.,
From: Ruth Less, CEO Ruth Less Promotions Inc.
Dear Devius,

As you are no doubt aware, the effort of one of your competitors to market toys with psychiatric illnesses has fallen rather flat and I understand this has given you reservations about your plans to market your own toys with similar problems.

At first glance, it would appear that the aforementioned marketing drive sank like the Titanic with ASAD (Aversion to Staying Afloat Disorder) because most three- and four-year-old children are as yet sadly unaware of what a mental disorder is and, like our friends in psychiatry, of what the “order” is from which the dis-order is a departure.

I am sure you will agree this is a sad state of affairs. It is deplorable that the nation's toddlers should be so deficient in basic education and so naive as to the ways of medical science that they insist on cuddling the brain-diseased playthings and dressing them up with hats rather than sticking to the treatment plan and giving them their medication as recommended by such psychiatric luminaries as doctors Klaus Offishead and Heinrich Straightenjaket. After all, how can anyone in their right mind expect a toy to fully recover if you just play with the loony little critter?

Clearly the nation's toddlers are all suffering from PID (Post-Infancy Depression), or even UTBB (Unaware They Have Diseased Brains Disorder) and our friends in psychiatry are taking steps to market a range of drugs known as PSEs (Psychotic Symptom Enhancers) that will remedy that epidemic. Their laboratories are working overtime to research both the appropriate press releases and modern ways to make benzodiazepines and other psychotropics taste like sweets.

There is some concern that such medications may be a little strong for small brains (although the evidence provided by the untimely death of 10,000,000 adults is merely anecdotal) and some are suggesting the children should be lovingly eased into a lifetime of drug dependency and madness by starting them off with something less dangerous, such as sugar cubes coated with heroin or LSD.

Be that as it may and whatever is decided is the best way forward, we can look forward to the kiddies receiving a hands-on education in the near future that will dispel their deplorable ignorance of our modern and enlightened approach to controlling their behaviour (and by "controlling" we mean, naturally, "impairing").

This will enable mentally deficient cuddly toys to be marketed into a much more enlightened and receptive demographic . It will provide Psychokiller Toys with an opportunity to successfully launch its own brand of mentally ill toys and we advise that you should steal a march on your competitors by making your own brand even more realistic.

Here, in brief, are some suggestions as to how that can be achieved with your existing range of loveably dysfunctional toys.

  • Buzz Spaceyear: to be renamed Buzz SpacedBrain. Diagnosed as suffering from post-manufacture depression and schizophrenia. Change his famous catchphrase, "Up, up we go!" to "Oh God I feel depressed."
  • Woody the Cowpoke: to be renamed Woody the BenzoAddict. Diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder and woodworm (a physical thing, granted, but that never stopped people - or toys - receiving psychiatric treatment before). Change his catch phrase of "Hands up you varmint!" to "Hand over the serotonin uptake inhibitors!"
  • Jolly Bill the Rastafarian Sheepdog: to be renamed Anxious Bill the Rather Nervous Sheepdog. Diagnosed as suffering from Religious Mania, DHD (Disordered Hair Disorder) and fear of toy cupboards. Change his barking sound when squeezed to realistic vomiting noises.
  • Hissy the Cuddly Snake: rename Hissyfit the Irritable Snake. Suffers from anger issues and so should also come supplied with real venom. Recommended treatment: sedatives and anger-management classes. To affect realistic anger management sessions, the toy should come complete with a list of unhelpful platitudes the child can read to it. Alternatively, it can be sat in a group therapy session with all the other cuddly toys and be encouraged to make sarcastic remarks about the other toys or blurt out its masturbation fantasies.
  • Henry the Happy Hedgehog: change his name to Henry the Hateful Hedgehog. Suffers from a hatred of children, therefore his soft woolly spikes should be treated with hair lacquer so they are straight and stiff and taper to sharp points. Treatment: sedatives and antidepressants and a degree in psychiatry (certificate supplied).
In the name of complete realism, naturally, we must think inside the box and extend the scenario beyond the mere issuance of a course of treatment to the usual side effects. The toys should therefore:
  • Occasionally go on a mindless rampage and kill all the other toys (batteries and Kalashnikov supplied).
  • Commit suicide (psychiatric medications supplied with the kit are ideal for that purpose).
  • Inexplicably die (Premature Death Disorder).
  • Get worse due to the brain damage caused by the drugs and become convinced they are the victims of Venusian head termites (protective tin-foil hats provided) and eventually be committed. A small realistic padded cell and colourful straight-jacket can be supplied with every toy.
  • Receive ECT (Electro-Convulsive Torture). For this purpose we propose selling a realistic ECT kit that will enable the cuddly toy to be wired to the mains and have its head fried (we recommend non-flammable stuffing to avoid the inevitable fire risk).
  • Suffer other side effects such as: stuffing leakage from the anal area (each toy will have its own aperture); terrible acne and sores (Velcro spots and rashes provided); falling over (each toy can be appropriately weighted so it won't stand up).
We here at Ruth Less Promotions Inc., wish you every success in your endeavours and your friends in psychiatry appreciate your efforts to shepherd the flock in their general direction.

Dr Wantme Hedexamind of the Brain-U-Like Institute sends his regards. He wants me to remind you that your next appointment is on Tuesday and has asked me to convey his reassurances that there are no plans by psychiatry to label the tasteless exploitation of children as a mental abnormality. Psychiatry considers that it, along with terrorism, torturing people, warmongering, drugging children, designing and manufacturing weapons of genocide, blowing up civilians, invading small countries and lying to voters, are all perfectly rational conduct that psychiatry has no wish to stigmatise.

By contrast, being active as a child, having reading problems, being shy, being sad, lacking self-confidence and so forth are of course egregious examples of utterly demented behaviour that can only be handled by damaging the brain with drugs, electric shocks and other not-at-all-loony practices.

On a final note, I am reliably informed that a rival firm will be issuing its own alternative line. This will include: 

  • Cuddly Joe the Nutritionist who will provide the other toys with wholesome food and vitamins and thus prevent them ever getting mentally ill in the first place.
  • Harry the Human Rights Activist who will point out all the diagnoses are of made-up illnesses, tear up the treatment plans and send his fellow toys to a Dianeticist for some proper help. 
  • He will also send Nutty the Psychiatrist to Wise Owl the Judge, who will then convict Nutty of fraud and lock him in a cell. 
Thereupon all the other toys will cheer and say "We feel better already!"

Other News:

British Government Declares National Day of Public Whingeing. Following England’s failure to assert global dominance and thrash everybody at that most important of all human endeavours, football, the government has announced the introduction of a public holiday in July. To be called the National Day of Public Whingeing everybody will be required by law to sit around in armchairs or pubs (or both) and explain how they would have done a much better job of management than the manager and controlled the midfield a lot better than Steven Gerard. This is to be a British holiday, however, as the Scots, Welsh and Irish will be encouraged to join in. More on pages 11, 12, 13, 17, 19, 103,107.

Psychiatrists claim they were bonkers when they invented mental illness. (see page 4)

Is Osama Bin Laden Really Dead? London man claims to have seen him in a chip shop on the Balls Pond Road. (see page 9)

U.S. Liberates Isle of Wight. Isle of Wight Ferry sunk by cruise missile “for democracy.” “We probably deserved it.” says Her Majesty’s government. (see page 9).

Oil fields, gold, uranium and diamond deposits discovered on Isle of Wight. (see page 11)

Government to Borrow Money so as to get out of debt (see page 5)

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”