Hypocrisy outbreak
fells millions in America, Britain and Europe
by Steve Cook
Scientists are reporting that the source of the new outbreak
that suddenly hit America and Europe yesterday may lie in Washington and London,
having been carried there by politicians returning from meetings with their
employer, “Emperor” J. Centre Rockabilly III at a location that must remain
secret for top level security reasons of not wanting anyone to knew where it
is.
Symptoms of the epidemic, which went viral on the internet
yesterday, include nausea and vomiting and a sense of alienation. Although not
reported to be fatal in the strict sense of, say, living near a fracking
station, being inoculated or attending a wedding party in the Middle East, the
illness has nevertheless swept through the entire population almost overnight,
with people who read newspapers or watch TV news bulletins particularly at risk.
The culprit is believed to be the hypocrisy virus
transmitted by British and American politicians. The virus is known to breed in
unhygienic conditions like high-crimes areas such as Capitol Hill, Whitehall
and political conferences behind closed doors at which national leaders receive
instructions from Bankers, Industrialists, Global financiers and other representatives
of the people who run banks, corporations and crime syndicates.
Transmission of the virus is triggered by politicians such
as Obama and Cameron sternly warning Russia not to meddle in the internal affairs
of other countries, which as everybody knows Britain and America have only
every done in rare isolated cases such as Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Libya,
Iraq, Kosovo, Bosnia, Syria, Cuba, Nicaragua, Phillipines, Albania, Iran,
Guatemala, Chile, Venezuela and just a few dozen others – not to mention the present-day
Ukraine. It is noticed that such utterances, particularly when delivered with a
straight face and high moral tone, can bring about almost instant nausea in
anyone within earshot or able to read subtitles.
The European Commission’s website is thought to be another source
of contagion of the Hypocrisy Virus, with not even the internet safe from the
pandemic. One victim was rushed to hospital upon throwing up at Euston Station after
browsing the internet on his i-pad. He told this reporter:
“It was like a nightmare. I just read that the EU wishes to
see the Ukraine ruled by ‘genuine democracy, free from corruption and with sound
public finances’. Perhaps I was just asking for trouble but I couldn’t help
thinking about how the EU is really an unelected
form of government that has itself become a byword for corruption, hasn’t had
its accounts signed off for 20 years because of their countless irregularities,
and has been responsible for indulging in the most obviously unsound currency
experiment the world has ever seen. Then it was just a short step to
thinking about Guantanamo, the bombing of Libya or the drone strikes against Pakistan
and wondering if maybe these also counts as meddling in the internal affairs of
other countries. I suppose that just sort of broke down my immune system and
overcame the usual defences such as not thinking too much or having any knowledge
of recent history. So then I was overcome with a wave of nausea and lost my breakfast
right there and then.”
He also reported seeing a lot of other travellers
throwing up as well, although this being Britain a lot of people tried to
pretend it wasn’t happening or swallowed their own bile rather than make a
scene.
Reaction in America, where people are a
lot more forthright - and indeed a lot more miffed with their government - was
somewhat different according to reports, and much of the vomiting was
accompanied by emotional crises, gnashing of teeth and the customary mass
shootings.
Another British victim with an almost
identical experience said: “I just read how Mr Cameron said everyone ‘must work
to lower, not escalate, tensions. The world is watching.’ I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense that my
country is run by self-righteous, hypocritical scumbags, then felt sorry for
the Americans because they’ve got it just as bad if not worse. This was
followed by a deep sense of shame and then of course the inevitable rainbow
yawn.”
Carriers are thought to be numerous among
officials of the foreign Office and American State Department. They infect millions
of victims but do not manifest the nausea and vomiting aspects of the disease themselves.
However, they can be recognised by another set of telltale symptoms such as a tendency
to speak from the rectum, a forking of the tongue, absence of a chin or
backbone, swelling of the head and bank account and a complete loss of any
sense of personal embarrassment.
