Government Disorder

Shock news from the manufacturing sector!
by Steve Cook

Psychiatry Inc, the well-known manufacturers of ADHD, Depression, Addiction and similar aids to the pharmaceutical industry and other ailing multinational corporations, have today announced there has been a serious omission from their diagnostic manual the DSM (Disingenuous Sadistic Muppets). The only nuance of human behaviour to have been left out of the twelve million page so-called “Book of Fibbs” (except warmongering or torture which have been scientifically proven to be a Good Thing and not mad at all) is what is known as Government Disorder.

Here then is an addendum to the DSM which should be printed off and inserted into the manual right away before you put it to its best possible use for (a) establishing all your friends and family are unhinged and must immediately be drugged or as (preferably) (b) toilet paper.

Government Disorder. A malfunction of the common-sense centres of the brain, characterised by various symptoms.

• Disorder
• Fantasies – a conviction that hindering people is helping them or that making things worse is improving them
• Narcissism: a belief one knows best about such things as (a) economics, (b) education (c) everything else, despite all evidence to the contrary and/or knowing nothing
• Impaired Perception: inability to see the blindingly obvious (see Narcissism and Fantasies above). Tendency to bump into things such as the Middle East, China, Reality etc
• Hallucinations (seeing things that don’t exist such as: Al Qaeda, Democracy, National Security)
• Opposition-Defiance syndrome: especially directed at perceived enemies such as voters, sensible people etc.
• Hoarding (compulsively collecting things whilst trying not to let anyone else have them, such as nuclear warheads, chemical weapons, missiles, money etc)
• Fibbs Syndrome (compulsive lying)
• Aggression and violent rampages – sufferer often displays uncontrollable urges to kill lots of people using any implement left lying around such as aircraft carriers, GMOs, psychiatrists, vaccines etc.
• Suicidal Ideation – characterised by an urge to annoy lots of people until they lose patience and string the sufferer up from lamp posts
• Loss of motor control characterised by a rapid decline of motor centres such as Detroit, Dagenham, the Western Hemisphere.
• Compulsive Secretiveness – characterised by a tendency to hide ordinary things from people, such as justice, sensible explanations, human rights etc.
• Plebophobia – aversion to or fear of ordinary people and other threatening minorities.
• Problems with Concentration – inability to complete anything (except minor tasks such as blowing people up, wiping out all life on the planet etc)
• Imaginary Friends – sufferer often compelled to do strange and nonsensical things after listening to the voices of imaginary friends such as vested interests, psychiatrists, economists etc
• Word-blindness - sufferer often uses words in the wrong or opposite sense, usually to confuse others. Examples include: Collateral Damage (mass murder); Democracy (fascism); terrorist (freedom fighter); Freedom Fighter (terrorist); Manifesto (fairy tales); Promises (lies); Statistics (made up numbers); Facts (fiction); Proof (allegation); Evidence (opinion); Money (debt); Security (insecurity); Truth (see above)
• Etc

“I’ve Decided to Drug my Kids” says Local Dad

by Steve Cook

Local campaigner, Dave Halfwit, today announced to a hushed and largely indifferent world that, having weighed up the pros and cons in the child-drugging debate, he has decided to throw parenting to the winds and adopt the pharmaceutical model of childrearing advocated by such visionaries as Dr Timothy Leary, Mr E. Lie-Lilly and Dr. Leon Eisenberg the famed inventor of ADHD the celebrated work of fiction.

He announced his bold decision at a press conference to mark the launch of his new charity Pi (Parental Irresponsibility). Pi will campaign for the right of parents everywhere to be freed from the stigma of having to have something to do with how their kids turn out.

The ethos of Pi is based on modern scientific discoveries that nobody has read, which clearly show the human brain is responsible for everything. Sadly, the psychiatrists of the Brain-U-Like Institute who published the aforementioned discoveries also discovered that the brain has evolved over millions of years into being not very good (unless optimistically bludgeoned with chemicals or electricity).  As nobody gets to choose which brain they have, it’s therefore nobody’s fault when small mishaps occur such as World War Three, presidential elections, homicidal rampages, modern journalism or the Conservative Party.

Mr Halfwit told journalists that he has high hopes that Pi will be able to make a significant contribution to bringing social decay into the twenty-first century. It will do so primarily by forwarding the revolutionary concept that society is responsible for all the actions of its individual members. This is to replace the outmoded superstition that it is all God’s fault and places blame where is really belongs: upon nobody in particular. This gets society’s millions of individual members right off the hook.

The strength of any society says Pi’s manifesto, “Nothing To Do With Me (or Anybody),” lies not in its individual members but in the ability of a handful of its very best people - such as governments, newspaper editors, PR gurus, arms manufacturers and other wise men of benign disposition - to do their thinking for them, in essence to formulate policies and reforms that everybody else would have come up with had they had proper brains.

When questioned specifically about his decision to drug his children, Mr Halfwit declared:

“This was not an easy decision to make but after five and a half minutes of agonised soul-searching I came to the firm conclusion that there is little to be gained from thinking too much. I’ve decided to believe everything I’m told by those who sell drugs and other people with no agendum whatsoever beyond their determination to make lots of money at any price, which as you know is the inalienable right of large corporations everywhere.”

When asked for his views on the mountain of evidence that drugging children stunts their development and produces debilitated and drug-addicted adults, he retorted scathingly, “The problem with evidence is that you can use it to prove anything, especially the truth and the truth is not always as convenient as many people like me would like it to be.”

In the end, he concluded, it is the duty of every citizen to examine both sides of any argument and to opt for the argument that involves you in the least hassle.

“After all,” he said, “we live in a modern and enlightened age in which so many things are automated, giving us more time to do all those things that earlier, less fortunate, societies could only dream about, such as watching cultural classics like Spot the Celebrity Brain or drinking lager (preferably both) or having nervous breakdowns. So it’s only fair and natural that the raising of children should be automated too. The old, traditional methods of parking children in front of the TV had only a limited workability but the pharmaceutical industry has, in modern drugs, found an answer to that age-old problem.”

Mr Halfwit’s local MP, John Payola-Graft applauded his constituent’s expedient decision. “It has been scientifically proved,” he said, “that the secret of a happy government-citizen partnership is to establish the citizen as, preferably quite literally, the sleeping partner and leave government to do everything in the best interests of society as a whole. Of course, multinational corporations like the Psychokiller Drug Emporium are the neediest sectors of that society. I therefore applaud Mr Halfwit’s decision to uphold the inalienable right of all parents not to have their freedom undermined by the incessant self-interest of children and other groups of parasites.”

But when I put to Mr Payola-Graft that many groups such as nutritionists, sensible people and other vociferous minorities are claiming the way to have happy, healthy children is to not feed them junk and to talk to them and generally look after them, he retorted: “It is just typical of people with a vested interest in the health of others to bring common sense and facts into the argument but we do not think there is room in the debate for such extremism. I should also point out that, through tax breaks and imaginative accounting, pharmaceutical companies provide hundreds of pounds a year in revenue for the government. Without that revenue it will be very difficult to fund the next war without the burden falling on the average voter. It is vital therefore that by the time voters reach, er, voting age, they are in a foggy state of mind that will enable them to believe everything we tell them.”

When I pointed out that many people are claiming that drugging children simply makes them lose their grip on reality and become dull and compliant, Mr Halfwit said. “Yes, admittedly, those are just some of the benefits that influenced my decision. They are benefits that vastly outweigh a few side effects such as the twenty thousand or so printed in tiny unreadable lettering on the packaging, many of which can be remedied with modern drugs or surgery in any case.”

Some studies back up this claim in so far as they have proven scientifically that reality is not all it is cracked up to be and should be avoided whenever possible. The reality that many children have to contend with is particularly hostile in that in this modern age it contains many harmful elements such as food without nutritional content and parents who want to drug them.

And Mr Payola-Graft added: “It has been scientifically proven that many children were hitherto inclined to grow up to be too smart for their own good but thanks to the efforts of the psycho-pharmacy we are now able to act in their long-terms interests by ensuring that never happens.”

I contacted the Psychokiller Drug Emporium, the manufacturers of the antidepressant Passivit-E and the celebrated panacea for ADHD and other made-up diseases, Apath-E, for their views on the matter. I put to their spokesmuppet the controversial allegations that drugging children is unsafe and can lead to brain damage, suicide and death and is in fact playing Russian Roulette with children’s lives. In response they issued a statement that included:

“Our researchers are working flat out and leaving no search results un-doctored in the search for improving the drugs we offer for children. An example is our new LSD-and-Heroin-based antidepressants, our so-called D-Range products for the under-fives, such as Hallucen-8, which are shaped to look like Postman Pat and taste like sweets.  Such drugs have been proven safe in at least 0.001% of cases so we do not think that parents contemplating drugging their children have more to worry about than their child, for instance, playing with traffic or the land mines that careless people leave lying about.  Besides, what is often forgotten with Russian Roulette is that is that when you play you have only a one-in-six chance of coming to any harm, at least to begin with. These are good odds by any standard as any parent who has taught his or her children the intricacies of the game in the safety of their own home will tell you.”

Related News:  Local Man Reaffirms his Commitment to Eating Rubbish.  “It’s a clear choice between short-term gratification and long-term survival and I know which side I’m on!” says Arthur Brain-Cell, chairman of O’Bese and Stupid, the . . . . see page 12

Epidemic of Mentally Ill Toys Shock

by Steve Cook

Some time ago a British Newspaper (I think it was the Sun, so it must be true!), reported that a German toy manufacturer was planning to make and sell soft toys that suffer from so-called mental disorders. To add authenticity, each toy will come with its own medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan. (I kid you not).

Presumably this is so that children can learn all about the mythology of mental illness and the role that making things up plays in helping grown-ups cope with the task of extracting money from other grown-ups – although how a five year old is supposed to get his innocent head around concepts like “treatment plan”, “medical history” or “referral letter” is unclear.

Another company, however, proposes expanding on the idea, as evinced by the following letter, which accidentally fell into my pocket at three o’clock one Sunday morning when I accidentally broke into the head office of Psychokiller Toys Inc., in Loon, Wyoming.To: Devius Moneygrubber, CEO Psychokiller Toys Inc.,
From: Ruth Less, CEO Ruth Less Promotions Inc.
Dear Devius,

As you are no doubt aware, the effort of one of your competitors to market toys with psychiatric illnesses has fallen rather flat and I understand this has given you reservations about your plans to market your own toys with similar problems.

At first glance, it would appear that the aforementioned marketing drive sank like the Titanic with ASAD (Aversion to Staying Afloat Disorder) because most three- and four-year-old children are as yet sadly unaware of what a mental disorder is and, like our friends in psychiatry, of what the “order” is from which the dis-order is a departure.

I am sure you will agree this is a sad state of affairs. It is deplorable that the nation's toddlers should be so deficient in basic education and so naive as to the ways of medical science that they insist on cuddling the brain-diseased playthings and dressing them up with hats rather than sticking to the treatment plan and giving them their medication as recommended by such psychiatric luminaries as doctors Klaus Offishead and Heinrich Straightenjaket. After all, how can anyone in their right mind expect a toy to fully recover if you just play with the loony little critter?

Clearly the nation's toddlers are all suffering from PID (Post-Infancy Depression), or even UTBB (Unaware They Have Diseased Brains Disorder) and our friends in psychiatry are taking steps to market a range of drugs known as PSEs (Psychotic Symptom Enhancers) that will remedy that epidemic. Their laboratories are working overtime to research both the appropriate press releases and modern ways to make benzodiazepines and other psychotropics taste like sweets.

There is some concern that such medications may be a little strong for small brains (although the evidence provided by the untimely death of 10,000,000 adults is merely anecdotal) and some are suggesting the children should be lovingly eased into a lifetime of drug dependency and madness by starting them off with something less dangerous, such as sugar cubes coated with heroin or LSD.

Be that as it may and whatever is decided is the best way forward, we can look forward to the kiddies receiving a hands-on education in the near future that will dispel their deplorable ignorance of our modern and enlightened approach to controlling their behaviour (and by "controlling" we mean, naturally, "impairing").

This will enable mentally deficient cuddly toys to be marketed into a much more enlightened and receptive demographic . It will provide Psychokiller Toys with an opportunity to successfully launch its own brand of mentally ill toys and we advise that you should steal a march on your competitors by making your own brand even more realistic.

Here, in brief, are some suggestions as to how that can be achieved with your existing range of loveably dysfunctional toys.

• Buzz Spaceyear: to be renamed Buzz SpacedBrain. Diagnosed as suffering from post-manufacture depression and schizophrenia. Change his famous catchphrase, "Up, up we go!" to "Oh God I feel depressed."
• Woody the Cowpoke: to be renamed Woody the BenzoAddict. Diagnosed as suffering from bi-polar disorder and woodworm (a physical thing, granted, but that never stopped people - or toys - receiving psychiatric treatment before). Change his catch phrase of "Hands up you varmint!" to "Hand over the serotonin uptake inhibitors!"
• Jolly Bill the Rastafarian Sheepdog: to be renamed Anxious Bill the Rather Nervous Sheepdog. Diagnosed as suffering from Religious Mania, DHD (Disordered Hair Disorder) and fear of toy cupboards. Change his barking sound when squeezed to realistic vomiting noises.
• Hissy the Cuddly Snake: rename Hissyfit the Irritable Snake. Suffers from anger issues and so should also come supplied with real venom. Recommended treatment: sedatives and anger-management classes. To affect realistic anger management sessions, the toy should come complete with a list of unhelpful platitudes the child can read to it. Alternatively, it can be sat in a group therapy session with all the other cuddly toys and be encouraged to make sarcastic remarks about the other toys or blurt out its masturbation fantasies.
• Henry the Happy Hedgehog: change his name to Henry the Hateful Hedgehog. Suffers from a hatred of children, therefore his soft woolly spikes should be treated with hair lacquer so they are straight and stiff and taper to sharp points. Treatment: sedatives and antidepressants and a degree in psychiatry (certificate supplied).

In the name of complete realism, naturally, we must think inside the box and extend the scenario beyond the mere issuance of a course of treatment to the usual side effects. The toys should therefore:

• Occasionally go on a mindless rampage and kill all the other toys (batteries and Kalashnikov supplied).
• Commit suicide (psychiatric medications supplied with the kit are ideal for that purpose).
• Inexplicably die (Premature Death Disorder).
• Get worse due to the brain damage caused by the drugs and become convinced they are the victims of Venusian head termites (protective tin-foil hats provided) and eventually be committed. A small realistic padded cell and colourful straight-jacket can be supplied with every toy.
• Receive ECT (Electro-Convulsive Torture). For this purpose we propose selling a realistic ECT kit that will enable the cuddly toy to be wired to the mains and have its head fried (we recommend non-flammable stuffing to avoid the inevitable fire risk).
• Suffer other side effects such as: stuffing leakage from the anal area (each toy will have its own aperture); terrible acne and sores (Velcro spots and rashes provided); falling over (each toy can be appropriately weighted so it won't stand up).

We here at Ruth Less Promotions Inc., wish you every success in your endeavours and your friends in psychiatry appreciate your efforts to shepherd the flock in their general direction.

Dr Wantme Hedexamind of the Brain-U-Like Institute sends his regards. He wants me to remind you that your next appointment is on Tuesday and has asked me to convey his reassurances that there are no plans by psychiatry to label the tasteless exploitation of children as a mental abnormality. Psychiatry considers that it, along with terrorism, torturing people, warmongering, drugging children, designing and manufacturing weapons of genocide, blowing up civilians, invading small countries and lying to voters, are all perfectly rational conduct that psychiatry has no wish to stigmatise.

By contrast, being active as a child, having reading problems, being shy, being sad, lacking self-confidence and so forth are of course egregious examples of utterly demented behaviour that can only be handled by damaging the brain with drugs, electric shocks and other not-at-all-loony practices.

On a final note, I am reliably informed that a rival firm will be issuing its own alternative line. This will include: 

• Cuddly Joe the Nutritionist who will provide the other toys with wholesome food and vitamins and thus prevent them ever getting mentally ill in the first place.
• Harry the Human Rights Activist who will point out all the diagnoses are of made-up illnesses, tear up the treatment plans and send his fellow toys to a Dianeticist for some proper help. 
• He will also send Nutty the Psychiatrist to Wise Owl the Judge, who will then convict Nutty of fraud and lock him in a cell. 

Thereupon all the other toys will cheer and say "We feel better already!"

Other News:

British Government Declares National Day of Public Whingeing. Following England’s failure to assert global dominance and thrash everybody at that most important of all human endeavours, football, the government has announced the introduction of a public holiday in July. To be called the National Day of Public Whingeing everybody will be required by law to sit around in armchairs or pubs (or both) and explain how they would have done a much better job of management than the manager and controlled the midfield a lot better than Steven Gerard. This is to be a British holiday, however, as the Scots, Welsh and Irish will be encouraged to join in. More on pages 11, 12, 13, 17, 19, 103,107.

Psychiatrists claim they were bonkers when they invented mental illness. (see page 4)

Is Osama Bin Laden Really Dead? London man claims to have seen him in a chip shop on the Balls Pond Road. (see page 9)

U.S. Liberates Isle of Wight. Isle of Wight Ferry sunk by cruise missile “for democracy.” “We probably deserved it.” says Her Majesty’s government. (see page 9).

Oil fields, gold, uranium and diamond deposits discovered on Isle of Wight. (see page 11)


Government to Borrow Money so as to get out of debt (see page 5)

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

Worst Flu Ever?

by Steve Cook

The world has at last finished reeling from the Bird Flu and Swine Flu epidemics that swept a swathe of carnage across the entire planet and almost killed dozens of people the world over.

Known as pandemics, they were widely believed to be worse than epidemics because they have the word “pan” in them and are named after animals.

They caused several pharmaceutical giants to reel ashen-faced from the torment of accidentally making lots of money from the sale of vaccines that caused the “lemming flu” armageddonodemic for which there is no known cure except not being injected with vaccines that contain antifreeze, lark’s vomit and ocelot spit even when told to by governments and other criminal conspiracies.

Just when the reeling seemed to be over and the Daily Scare, Ministry of Hysteria and other members of POCS (Profits Over Common Sense) have been left to guard dangerously diminished stocks of fear and other supplies essential to controlling people and other enemies of democracy, a new hero has ridden to the rescue out of the majestic – and, indeed, radioactive - sunset.

This latest mutation of the flu virus is so devastating in its effects and threatens to afflict so many people across the world and similar planets that scientists and health officials the world over have been sent scouring the deepest recesses of Roget's Thesaurus for a word to embrace the new disease with a fittingly chilling epithet.

Controversy is now raging throughout the scientific world over whether to call this new outbreak a catastrophodemic or a letsallcrapourpantsodemic or even a youmightaswellgiveupthewilltoliveodemic. All is not lost however: the scientific community remains confident that some sectors of the population will emerge in fine fettle from the worst disaster to blight humanity since the invention of the atom bomb or Monsanto and begin the job of repopulating the Earth with chemically enhanced voters.

Such sectors include, of course, pharmaceutical giants, manufacturing giants, food giants and other genetically modified corporations.

In order to counter the coming catastrophodemic, a new vaccine is being hastily prepared by crack teams of press release writers working flat out in bunkers buried deep beyond the dreams of avarice. Chemically indistinguishable from athlete’s foot powder – or, indeed, athlete’s foot – the new vaccine will be made available for the price of a nearly-new Ford Fiesta and by “available” we do, of course, mean compulsory.

The vaccine does have a few minor side effects. It causes brain atrophy in people who own shares in pharmaceutical companies, loss of impulse control by presidents and news editors and death. Proponents of the vaccine however point out that death only occurs in the case of people who inject, eat, drink, absorb or inhale the vaccine and all the deaths have occurred only in foreigners or people who would have stopped breathing eventually anyway.

The vaccine, known as Incense8, represents a major advance in vaccination technology, with the application to health care of a principle known to military leaders for centuries but hitherto only applied to invading armies, the working classes, the American Mid West and other enemies. Known as SEP, the Scorched Earth Principle, it is the process of rendering one’s territory unusable by an invading army (or indeed liberating army, landowners, tenants or, in fact, anybody should the invading army be defeated) its application has been extended to combating invasion of a host by a popular virus.

Incense8, thought to be effective in 100% of sales pitches, works on this SEP principle by rendering the human organism so ill that it becomes unattractive to any virus that happens by, in the way that a roach infested bungalow tends to be unattractive to a prospective squatter. The virus then goes elsewhere in search of a host more fit for viral habitation.

The new virus is – according to sufferers - right up there with leprosy and SARS, in fact in the league table of deadly killers, sits just below flu vaccines, processed foods and American foreign policy.

Its symptoms are reportedly pretty horrible to witness and at this stage can only be recognised by women. They include:

• The sufferer become convinced that death is imminent and makes pathetic pleas for sympathy
• Sufferer becomes unable to withstand even a mild headache or runny nose and retires to bed for a week or more of writhing in agony
• Sufferer become insufferable
• Women in the vicinity of the sufferer begin to roll their eyes and, in desperation, resort to sarcasm
• Sufferer can often rally and make a miraculous recovery if the possibility of nookie is hinted at.
• The sufferer can often be found going on line to compare symptoms with the symptoms of all known diseases and will often discover that he is suffering from any disease he reads about.

Reports are coming in that the new flu virus only attacks men. Woman appear to be immune.

In the light of the last fact, it was only inevitable that there would be a break with the tradition of naming epidemics after animals. 

The new “Alleged-Killer Virus” is known as the Man Flu.

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

Miracle Drug Solves Everything

The need to worry (or panic) is over.

Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems.

The shock news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded into popular TV programmes such as Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Spot the Celebrity Brain.

She declared that, “The need for anyone to illegally doubt this government ever again is well and truly over thanks to the latest miracle breakthrough by researchers at the famous top secret Frankenstein Institute in Apocalypse, Missouri.”

This news comes as something of a surprise to dissident factions such as voters, the middle classes, the working classes and other ungrateful minorities who were convinced that geneticists had given them strange lumps, breathing difficulties and other unwanted irritations such as the New World Order.

But everybody’s troubles are now, probably, over and we can all look forward to a new Golden Age of nothing bad ever happening again thanks to the Frankenstein Institute’s $4,000 billion four-year research programme.

Code-named Project Completely Sensible, researchers engaged in an ambitious search for the solution to two of the world’s major problems: a shortage of elbow room on an over-populated planet and a shortage of money in the under-funded bank accounts of shareholders of the Frankenstein Institute.

The solution that the Institute’s dedicated team have come up with is widely reputed by experts all across the Frankenstein Institute to be so complete and fool-proof and without any known side-effects or consequences whatsoever that neither the government nor the pharmaceutical industry need worry.

This is so much the case that anyone who enters any negativity into the proceedings by writing sarcastic articles or scathing Facebook posts about it it will immediately be arrested by an elite squad of Green Berets, locked up in a psychiatric institution and have their brain re-wired with drugs.

To those of you who insist that such treatment is a tad harsh, Ms Fibbs retorted, “No, it isn’t.”

She then went on to explain that in any case, harbouring doubts about your democratically elected dictatorship is now illegal and those who insist that people have constitutional rights are reminded that, no they don’t. 

The Constitution was abolished last Tuesday by the Democratic Committee for the Abolition of the Constitution when it was proved beyond doubt by a press release from the office of the President that its content was largely seditious and ran contrary to the inalienable right of multinational corporations to be unconstitutional and/or wreck the planet. 

There will probably be a subliminal implant announcing this minor constitutional adjustment next year.

The President himself, speaking at the launch of the National Big Brother competition - in which the lives of all citizens will be secretly televised to an audience of Homeland Security specialists - took pause to congratulate the Frankenstein Institute for its “sterling work.”

President Stalin is renowned for being the world’s first cloned President and was genetically engineered in a laboratory in Zimbabwe to have no common sense.

He went on to say, “There are those who assert that the answer to the chaos and inefficiency that has made an under-populated and scarcely developed planet appear overcrowded is to run things better and stop being stupid. But we say there is no need to go to such extraordinary lengths when we have at our disposal the means to tinker recklessly with genes.”

And he added, “The Frankensteins have shown us the way forward. The answer to a world that appears small is to make human beings even smaller!”

The technological means to achieve the age-old goal of making human beings very small comes in the form of the “Lilliput Drug.”
Scientists noted that human beings, especially in America, have been getting larger and larger and predicted that by the year 2100 the average American male will be over 20 feet tall and almost as wide and weigh approximately three tons.

The strain on the Earth’s resources of increasingly large human bodies is obvious: larger bodies eat more food and drink more essential nutrients such as coffee and alcohol, require larger doses of drugs (or bullets) to sedate or kill them, need bigger cars and houses, use more toilet paper, take up more room and so on.

The answer to the problem is obvious: make human beings smaller. If, generation by generation, human beings could be genetically engineered to be progressively smaller in size, arriving over time at what is believed to be the ideal size for a human being – roughly four inches in height and five pounds in weight – massive savings will be made on the consumption of the Earth’s resources.

At those ideal dimensions, it has been calculated that the entire population of the planet could live comfortably on the Isle of Wight and be fed by the agricultural output of Angola.

In other words, as the size of human beings shrinks, the world will, from our perspective, seem to grow larger and larger until it corresponds with the relative size of Jupiter. This will give everyone a lot more elbow room.

There would be an added benefit in that labour will be a lot more comfortable for mothers giving birth to children who with each generation are roughly half the size of the previous generation.

This dream has now become achievable with the development of the Lilliput Pill. The pill was extensively tested on elephants at the New York City Zoo and the results of those experiments will be on display to the public as soon as the so-called “Lilliput Elephants” can be coaxed out from under the sofa in the manager’s office.

The new wonder drug, which has to be taken daily from birth until old age or compulsory sterilisation (whichever is the sooner) will soon be tested on humans by making it available on prescription or over the counter at drug stores.

Next year, consumption of the Lilliput Drug will be made compulsory for all citizens and those who decline gently persuaded to see the error of their ways by being locked up without trial. The government insists that this measure is not undemocratic as it merely weeds out those who disagree with the government, a measure which any person in his right mind and not a terrorist sympathiser must agree with.

Those necessarily exempt for the new compulsory shrinkage will be, among others, the owners of multinational corporations, government officials, the military and the police. All these will be permitted to retain their current size.

It is thus believed that when all other people are four inches or less in height, it will be easier for the forces of law and order to literally stamp out dissent and/or terrorism. And thus save on the cost of bullets.

The only known, mild side effects anyone need not worry about at all - apart from being trodden on by government officials - will be being chased by cats or carried off by starlings.

However to combat such fears, scientists at the Brain-u-Like Institute have announced a solution. They have discovered the existence of a hitherto unknown mental illness called TAD (Tiny Aversion Disorder) and developed a drug which will render anyone carried off by starlings, eaten by voles or mown down by stampeding cockroaches inordinately happy about the whole experience.

Related News
“Human Shrinkage plans do not go far enough,” says controversial group. The UK-based “Miniscule Society”, an extremist offshoot of the AMF, the American Mini-me Federation, today poured scorn on the government’s plans to reduce humans to four inches in height. Posting on Facebook just before he was arrested by a nine-hundred-strong force of FBI agents backed up by tanks and surface-to-surface missiles, a spokesperson for the group accused the government of a conspiracy to deny people their inalienable rights to be very tiny indeed. Claiming that if human beings were reduced to the height of one millimetre the entire population of the world could live in a single fallout shelter and consume just one tin of spam per day . . . ” [continued on page 1187]

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”